Dearer Than Josh

"Dear Lord Jesus, 

 You are to me

Dearer than Charlie

 ever could be."

(C.T. Studd, a missionary, would make his wife pray this prayer everyday when they were on missions)

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Josh and I have known each other for 4 years now and have been dating for almost 2 years.  It's funny to look back and remember how our relationship progressed.  I remember meeting him freshman year at a Christian fellowship on campus.  I remember a group of guys started a freshman class prayer meeting.  The brothers each took turns sharing encouragements during our weekly meetings.  If I could describe Josh in 3 words/phrases it would be serious, very content in being single, and never laughs.  My impression of Josh led me to have minimal interactions with him.  

It wasn't until sophomore year when I was kind of forced to interact with him more.  We had some classes together, our class prayer meetings were at his apartment, and we just happened to be placed in the same planning team for our fellowship's banquet.  Our interactions increased but not by much.  He always initiated conversations with me on aim and seemed to talk to me about anything that popped into his head.  Actually, some friends told me that he liked me and wanted to talk to me about it.  Eventually he told me because I found out his secret.  

We decided to just be friends and we went back to the normal routine of life...for a day.  Josh wanted to spend time with me and frequently made excuses to hang out.  For instance, he told me that we needed to have a banquet planning meeting.  The problem was that we had 3 people in the team and he only asked me to meet.  So, anyways, we took a education class together and went to the same fieldwork locations.  We spent a few hours in the car driving or walking to our fieldwork and had opportunities to converse.  I started to learn more about his life, character, and passions.  He also spent a lot of the time encouraging me to be disciplined for my sanctification's sake.

Anyways, maybe 4 months later, we decided to start dating.  While we were dating, we had to face many trials together and these were all external.  I can pretty much say that we never fought or argued with each other during this time.  Through all of the circumstances and stresses, I can see how God used Josh to increase my faith in God.  In my opinion, this was the time we both grew the most in our faith.  The truth that Christ is our ultimate salvation kept becoming more and more real to us.  This salvation was not from all the temporal suffering, but this salvation is what Christ gave us to save us from our sins which leads to eternal, spiritual death.

Around last May Josh and I started to talk about our futures and the possibility of marriage.  We had very different ideals on the right time.  Josh thought the right time would be when he has finished his schooling and found a stable job, whereas I thought the right time would be ASAP.  Originally, I was set on going to graduate school for a masters in social work and getting licensed.  The whole process would take about 5 years. The problem was that I ultimately want to be a full time mother.  I have always had convictions about taking care of my own children and glorifying God with my family.  During this time, we were learning more about God's design for the family and growing in our convictions for our future.

For the past 6 months we have been busily planning for our wedding.  The wedding planning process is tedious and time consuming.  It is easy for us to get caught up in the process that I forget that the wedding is ultimately a worship ceremony to God and our marriage will be an imperfect reflection of Christ's loving relationship with the church.  Jesus shows sacrificial love towards the church, His bride, by sacrificing Himself for her.  We find ourselves having plenty of miscommunications which leads to sin; for me especially the sin of insecurity.

I find it easy to trust and depend on Josh for everything.  After all, we have experienced great joys and sufferings together, encouraged one another, and have spent- and will continue to spend- much time with one another.  I forget that our relationship is just an image of my future relationship with Christ that I invest all of my hope and joy in Josh.  There have been times when I have been disappointed or frustrated with him because of something he said, did, or neglected to do.  In reality, I found myself elevating Josh to where Christ should be in my heart.

Josh did not know and love me before the foundations of the world. Josh was not sent by God to live a perfect and righteous life because I could not do so for myself.  Josh was not sacrificed on the cross to pay for my sins and to take on my punishment- God's wrath.  Josh did not die and resurrect forever so I can be certain that I will resurrect too.  Josh does not give me new, eternal life in my union with him.  Ultimately, my hope is in Christ, not in Josh.  Josh is simply someone God is currently making useful to grow my affections for Christ.